thoughts on having four kids

I had the weirdest interaction at preschool pick up today. Katie and I walked over to get Drew and arrived a couple of minutes early. I chatted with another mother who was also waiting. I don't know her well, but we've exchanged pleasantries a couple of times and she has always been very friendly.

As we were talking, another mom walked up with three kids- two who looked about three years old sitting in a double stroller and a little baby in a Snuggli attached to her. She didn't seem frazzled or anything, she just simply walked by us with three kids to go inside to pick up her fourth child. The first mom gave her a fake smile and then, once she had passed us, turned to me and kind of shook her head and said, "Can you imagine?" I played dumb and she replied, "Four kids? Shoot me now!"

The look on her face when I shared that I also have four kids was priceless. She backtracked a bit and said, in the fakest tone imaginable, "I had no idea! I only ever see you with the two...... Good for you!" I have a feeling she will not be quite so friendly with me from now on, like I have somehow failed some test of hers by having more than two kids.

More people seem to be commenting lately on the fact that we have four kids. At first I was paranoid that it was because I seem more frazzled these days or that the kids are misbehaving more lately, but I really don't think that that is it. My best guess is that now that Katie has become bigger and is usually no longer in a stroller or in my arms when out in public, we must just look like a bigger family. (Maybe plus the fact that the kids are growing like weeds lately and we really are a bigger family?....) .

Comments about the size of our family happen on an almost daily basis.  I wonder if people have any idea they are being annoying when they say things like, "Oh my God! Four kids? You have your hands full!" or shake their heads and say something like, "I just don't know HOW you do it!" How exactly am I supposed to respond to these statements?

I wonder why having two or three kids seems completely normal and acceptable in our society, but having four kids gets looks from strangers? Most of my friends have three kids- we have the same just with a cute Katie Bear added on. Seriously, it is not that big of a difference.

I wonder why people even care that we have four kids? It doesn't affect them in any way.

And I wonder if anyone would blame me if I screamed out loud if one more stranger has the nerve to ask me if we are done having kids.

As in any family, sometimes we collectively have our act together and sometimes we're having a bad day. I have become more sensitive to the bad days lately because I feel many eyes upon us if one of the kids act up in public.... like because there are more of us, any misbehavior from our family is more noticeable.

Last week I took the kids to the library after school. They were well-behaved while there and we had no real issues. I was glad because I could just feel the unkind eyes of a woman sitting nearby. Her child was getting tutored and she was reading a magazine while waiting for her. I could tell, without a doubt, her opinion of us. You would have thought we were the Duggar family the way she gawked. When Katie got upset for a moment because she wanted to climb down the stairs by herself instead of being carried, the woman had the nerve to actually shake her head. I was livid.

When we go out to a restaurant, I have pretty high expectations for the kids. We get looks from people as we are seated; you can just tell they are thinking, "Oh please don't make them sit near us!" More times than not, though, we are complimented as we leave the restaurant for the behavior of the kids. I don't know why people just assume that because there are four kids in our family that we do not have any control of them. We go out to lunch as a family most Saturday afternoons and I don't remember the last time my family disturbed the people around us. I do, however, remember many times lately when children from smaller families sitting around us were disruptive.

Not that we always have control;  I am certainly not going to pretend that we have it all together all of the time. But no family does. It just feels like we have to be more together more of the time to combat the judgemental looks we get from strangers.

I often run errands with just Katie on the mornings that Gracie, Luke, and Drew are at school. There is such a difference in our interactions with others when it is just Katie and me versus when it is me with all four kids. If I have just Katie and she gets upset about something, no one blinks an eye. I get sympathetic looks. People say things like, "Aaawww, what's that matter?" to Katie and smile at both of us. If I have all of the kids and Katie gets upset about something, people look at me like I am a horrible mother.

Aside from people who are just waiting for my kids to misbehave in some way so they can feel justified in their thoughts that four kids is too many, there are the people who act as if motherhood is completely different for me than it is for them because I have more children.  I have made some friends here who have one or two kids. They often say things to me like, "Oh, I can't complain to you about this... I only have two kids." and "Let me have the play date. You have so much more going on than I do." We had new friends over last month and the mom said, "How is your house clean? You have FOUR kids!" A preschool friend said to me last week, "I really want to complain to you about the day I am having, but I would feel stupid because you have yours plus you are babysitting one more. (laughing) I am going to have to complain to someone else instead." The implication that motherhood is a different experience for me or that I walk around feeling superior to mothers with smaller families is just irritating.

Bottom line as I grump and ramble on- parenting is hard. It is hard for all of us. It is hard whether you have one child or ten children. It is hard to feel like you are doing a decent job at it, but it is even harder to feel like you are doing a decent job at it when people feel the need to make comments about your family. We chose to have four children. Most of the time I absolutely love it. I don't feel superior to you because I have more children than you, so please don't feel superior to me because you have less children.

* She steps down off of her soap box.

Happy Wednesday afternoon all. I have loved all of the answers to the question this week. We are a grumpy bunch, huh?

I am off to Parent Teacher Conferences in just a bit and I am really looking forward to it. There is one more day of school for the kids before getting a nice, long Spring Break. We all couldn't be more excited for some down time!