fear

Since we moved, we have been visiting churches in the area trying to find a good fit for us. We've visited both traditional services and more relaxed, contemporary services. Yesterday we visited a pretty nontraditional church and although I had very low expectations going in, I think it was the best hour of church I've had in a long time.

The music was upbeat and fun to sing to, led by a female singer and her guitar and complete with back-up singers and a band. Sometimes I feel awkward during church when people start dancing and clapping along, but this music just sucked me in and Gracie and I were clapping and smiling along with everyone else.

The people were friendly. The service was relaxed enough that we didn't feel uncomfortable when Drew made a little bit of noise. The congregation was dressed in a mix of casual and what I consider church attire. There is a cafe in the lobby where people buy coffee and tea to take into church. There was a strong sense of community apparent in the lobby before the service began.

Most importantly to me, the sermon was interesting and I left still thinking about what was said. We have been visiting another church and although the activities offered through that church seem amazing (interesting evening classes and small groups and lots of opportunities for the kids), I have not enjoyed the sermon any time I have been there. The pastor seemed an uncomfortable public speaker and I had a hard time finding the point of his message. Each time I visited, the sermon felt a lot longer than the twenty- five minutes that it was. To me, that signaled that it was time to continue searching. I attend church to get something out of being there, not to fill an hour and be "done" for the week (as I will admit to feeling each time I visited that church).

The message at the church we visited on Sunday was about fear. The pastor asked us to close our eyes and think about the things we might be doing in our lives if we could just remove fear from our thoughts. He said that he would bet that many of us fear lying on our death bed and thinking, "Was that all there was?" What an awful realization that would be to be in the last hours of your life and to wish that you had done more with it.

I am not sure why I found this message so powerful yesterday, but I am still thinking about it today. Perhaps because this is a time of change for me as we transition to full time school for Gracie and Luke. Having just one child to care for each day will give me many opportunities to become more active and involved. I have ideas as to what I want my days to look like- joining a gym that has a playroom for Drew, finding a one-morning-a-week sitter for Drew so I can volunteer at the school, pursuing some hobbies while he naps, joining a MOPS group to meet other moms, and even possibly starting a booth at the local Craft & Antique Mall......but jumping into these ideas and making them happen is a little scary.

Sometimes it is hard to even pinpoint what is causing the fear. Why, for example, am I afraid to join a gym? To think through it, I suppose I am afraid of the discomfort I will feel the first couple of times we go. Drew will be uncomfortable in the playroom, at least at first, and I will feel like everyone is watching me and thinking that I clearly am not an athlete. But I know as much as I would hate it at first, it would end up being a great thing for me. I need to get out of the house more and I need to be around people. I need to be much more physically active than I am right now.

Another fear is in finding a sitter. I would love to get out and explore Knoxville more with Ben. I would love to find a sitter to watch Drew one morning a week. I really want to volunteer at the elementary school, but am unable to because siblings are not welcome in the classrooms. I also have not had a physical or a dentist appointment in an embarrassingly long time, but it is really difficult to make appointment for yourself when you constantly have children with you. If I knew that Drew would be taken care of one morning a week, I could make doctor's appointments, dental appointments, hair appointments, and take volunteer opportunities on this morning each week.

Of all of the ideas, my fear is strongest for this one. I don't know many people in the area and it is really hard to trust people with my babies. Rational or not to others, I fret at the thought of leaving my kids with someone else. My mind wanders to all of the things that could go wrong and I start to panic. But, rationally, I know Drew would be fine and the time would be really good for me.

Fear gets to all of us, I think. New situations make us uncomfortable and the fear of this discomfort sometimes causes us to avoid them altogether. But most of the things in my recent life that I have considered fulfilling or successful caused me fear at one point. How much happier and more fulfilled I would be if I pushed through these fears even more often.

I don't think I would get to the end of my life and wonder "Is that all there was?" as the sermon suggested, but I do hate to think that I wasted some opportunities. I love being with the kids full time and I love this stage of our lives, but sometimes part of me feels like my own life is on hold a bit. It's a horrible feeling, and one that makes me feel selfish to admit, but an honest one. I want to enjoy this time in my life for the blessing that it is and not have the thoughts of "someday when the kids are older...." as I sometimes do. "Someday I will get back to teaching....someday Ben and I will get more date nights.....someday I'll travel again....someday I'll take some classes......." It's just the wrong mindset to be in.

No to sound hokey, but I think the sermon on Sunday spoke to me because it was the message I needed to hear right now. Fear should not prevent me from reaching out to new opportunities. I have to push past the discomfort and just go for it.

Can you hear the internal pep talk I've been giving myself lately? ;)