my thoughts on "enough"
It is easy to feel bogged down as a parent or to wish you were just a little bit better at this hard gig. When your job is to care for other human beings day in and day out (and day in and day out), I think it is normal to have days where you feel like you are not doing a good job…. that every hard phase, every behavioral struggle, and every challenge is a jab directly at your lack of parenting abilities. (And even if it's not normal, let's pretend that it is.)
Last week one of the kids was just having a doozy of a week. There were actions and words and glares and stomps and arm crosses and acts of defiance that nearly brought me to tears. I can think of at least one major, major struggle each day of last week. It was frustrating to say the least. And we seemed to get into a self-fulfilling funk where I kept thinking, "Man, he is making such bad choices this week! What is going on?!?" and so I treated him like a child making bad choices. I forgot what I know to be true about my kids- positive reinforcement for the good always works better than negative reinforcement for the bad. I wrongly hovered near him, ready to correct and step in at too many moments and expecting more outbursts and negative behavior.
This week he is back to the happy, stubborn, kind five year old boy that I am used to mothering and I could not be happier about the change. The only upside to the behavior I saw last week is that it makes a mama more appreciative for the good days.
I was thinking about this last night as I put Drew to bed. Ben had Gracie and Luke out doing something fun, so it was me and the littles at home for the night. Things were smooth and easy and good. We cleaned up dinner, took a long walk together, and then came home for pajamas and bedtime books. We snuggled together in my bed while I read aloud and they were both sound asleep by 7:15. Drew had a dozen hugs and kisses for me before he fell asleep. At one point I asked, "Why am I getting all of this sweetness, Drew?" and he said, "I just love you. You are a good mom."
I just love you. You are a good mom. It was the absolute most sincere and most appreciated words I've heard spoken to me in a long time. Even after all of the struggles and moments of wanting to pull my hair out and loss of patience on both of our parts, we're still good.
After he fell asleep, I just kept thinking about how moms are so darn hard on ourselves. Most moms I know think they don't do a good enough job. There are a million well written blog posts and pins on Pinterest that are basically pep talks to the tired mom who thinks she is not "enough," so we must need them.
I recently went to a wonderful birthday party for a child. The parents had done such a great job planning art projects and games around the theme of the party, a classic children's book. There were hats for the children to decorate and wear to match the theme. The cake and cupcakes and food matched the theme and looked straight out of a magazine. The mother read the book aloud to the children at the party and gave them each a copy to take home. The children had a mixture of outdoor moving- around games and indoor calm art projects.
It was a thoughtful, fun, perfect child's birthday party and many of the adult party guests commented to one another about this multiple times. At the end of the party, though, I overheard a guest telling the mom what an amazing party it was. The mom said with genuine sincerity, "Really? It just felt all over the place to me."
Does this sum up parenting in 2014 or what?
We are so hard on ourselves. Parenting gets 110% of our focus and energy and we still think we aren't doing a good enough job.
Last week one of the kids was just having a doozy of a week. There were actions and words and glares and stomps and arm crosses and acts of defiance that nearly brought me to tears. I can think of at least one major, major struggle each day of last week. It was frustrating to say the least. And we seemed to get into a self-fulfilling funk where I kept thinking, "Man, he is making such bad choices this week! What is going on?!?" and so I treated him like a child making bad choices. I forgot what I know to be true about my kids- positive reinforcement for the good always works better than negative reinforcement for the bad. I wrongly hovered near him, ready to correct and step in at too many moments and expecting more outbursts and negative behavior.
This week he is back to the happy, stubborn, kind five year old boy that I am used to mothering and I could not be happier about the change. The only upside to the behavior I saw last week is that it makes a mama more appreciative for the good days.
I was thinking about this last night as I put Drew to bed. Ben had Gracie and Luke out doing something fun, so it was me and the littles at home for the night. Things were smooth and easy and good. We cleaned up dinner, took a long walk together, and then came home for pajamas and bedtime books. We snuggled together in my bed while I read aloud and they were both sound asleep by 7:15. Drew had a dozen hugs and kisses for me before he fell asleep. At one point I asked, "Why am I getting all of this sweetness, Drew?" and he said, "I just love you. You are a good mom."
I just love you. You are a good mom. It was the absolute most sincere and most appreciated words I've heard spoken to me in a long time. Even after all of the struggles and moments of wanting to pull my hair out and loss of patience on both of our parts, we're still good.
After he fell asleep, I just kept thinking about how moms are so darn hard on ourselves. Most moms I know think they don't do a good enough job. There are a million well written blog posts and pins on Pinterest that are basically pep talks to the tired mom who thinks she is not "enough," so we must need them.
I recently went to a wonderful birthday party for a child. The parents had done such a great job planning art projects and games around the theme of the party, a classic children's book. There were hats for the children to decorate and wear to match the theme. The cake and cupcakes and food matched the theme and looked straight out of a magazine. The mother read the book aloud to the children at the party and gave them each a copy to take home. The children had a mixture of outdoor moving- around games and indoor calm art projects.
It was a thoughtful, fun, perfect child's birthday party and many of the adult party guests commented to one another about this multiple times. At the end of the party, though, I overheard a guest telling the mom what an amazing party it was. The mom said with genuine sincerity, "Really? It just felt all over the place to me."
Does this sum up parenting in 2014 or what?
We are so hard on ourselves. Parenting gets 110% of our focus and energy and we still think we aren't doing a good enough job.
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