seems to be a universal struggle....
This is a reflective, possibly complainey post, so feel free to check out if you're looking for happy and upbeat. Complainey is a word, right? It should be. I just keep having similar conversations with friends about this topic, but we never seem to come up with any sort of solution.
How does a mother have time for herself? Not like the occasional thirty minute solo trip to Target or rare outing with girlfriends, but real time for herself? Time to pursue interests? Time to have a life outside of mothering? Time to just sit and think?
I find myself stuck in getting-things-done mode lately. My life is centered around the kids and their activities. There is something on the calendar every. single. day. of our lives, most days there are multiple somethings. Ben is gone all of the time right now and I feel like I am just chasing my tail trying to get everyone where they need to be when they need to be there.
I keep skipping things I want to do because they don't fit in with the family's schedule. I have friends I haven't seen in a ridiculously long time. I would love to see them, but I'm busy and they're busy. We send longing texts and FB messages to one another about how long it's been and how much we miss one another and how we should get something on the calendar... and then we don't.
I keep saying no to things I want for myself. A friend texted last week and asked if I wanted to meet for dinner one night. It seemed too difficult to juggle everything to make it happen. I got an invitation to join a small group of women at my church. My immediate thought was, "How am I going to fit that in?" My book club email came today and I realized that I will have to miss a second time in a row because of family conflicts. There is a craft fair I contemplated joining, but then realized that I do not have time to prep for a craft fair. Some coworkers invited me to a Trivia Night and I couldn't go because Ben was out of town and our evening was full of kid activities.
It goes on and on for me, and I am sure for all mothers I know. (Not father- bashing in any way, but just writing from this point of view.)
The question, though, is- How do you keep your identity while mothering? How do you nurture other relationships outside of your immediate family? How do you make sure that your life is not so all about the kids all of the time that "you" get lost in the shuffle?
I've talked about my dislike of "busy" on here before. I am busy right now. Entirely too busy. The bad kind of busy, or at least the bad-for-Leslie-Hedenberg-kind of busy. I don't remember the last time I didn't feel behind on a mile long list of things to do. It is too rare of an occurrence that I do something just because I am interested in doing it, and it is far too common an occurrence that I feel guilt when I am not 100% on the go. If I sit down for a minute (say to write a complainey blog post about being busy...), I have these feelings of, "Man, I really should be switching the laundry.... and checking Katie's preschool bag.... and putting away the dishes in the dishwasher.... and returning Beth's email about Teacher Appreciation Committee.... and responding to that customer who wants the state of Montana painted on her sign.... and setting out clothes for tomorrow to help the morning run more smoothly since Luke has Bravos and I'll have three different drop offs.... and.... and.... and....."
My mind doesn't seem to have a shut off switch lately.
I am almost embarrassed to write this next paragraph. I have, in fact, deleted it and retyped it. I do not want to sound as if I am patting myself on the back. I share the compliment because of my reaction to it, not to share the compliment, if that makes sense.
A dear friend of mine told me recently that I just make it all look too easy and that if she didn't love me, she wouldn't like me. She meant it as a compliment, but it stuck with me as not-a-compliment. It's not too easy. It's not easy at all. If I am putting off some sort of fake appearance that it is, especially to one of my best friends, than that bothers me.
I do not complain much when it gets hard, though, because even if I feel overwhelmed with motherhood sometimes, I feel like I can't/shouldn't complain. I recognize that these years are temporary and that I will look back on them longingly. I know with certainty that this is true because I physically ache for the days when my babies were babies, despite the sleepless nights, the mental and physical exhaustion, and the drain of those years on my friendships and outside interests. Similarly, I know I will ache for these days of soccer practices and homework and rushing to get out the door in the morning and class party planning once they are gone. Life is wonderful right now and I feel ungrateful if I voice anything to the contrary.
I am enjoying the success of my small business. The orders are pouring in and it feels great to have created something I am proud of. I can't/shouldn't complain that the orders are taking up any time that would be free time for me.
I am enjoying teaching at the preschool. The students are completely adorable, I have great coworkers, and it is fun to get back to teaching in such a laid-back way. I can't/shouldn't complain that my life was much, much more organized (as was the house) before I took on this job that pays not very much.
I LOVE watching Gracie, Luke, Drew, and Katie pursue interests. I can't/shouldn't complain about the schedule. I can't/ shouldn't complain even if the schedule for each week includes before school choir, after school choir, weekly piano lessons for three, Chess Club, after school Honor Band, soccer games and practices for three, Boy Scouts for two, and Monday Night Youth Group on top of homework and chores.
I am so proud of Ben for this new promotion. Really, truly, I could not be happier for him. I can't/shouldn't complain about the travel involved with this promotion.
And so on.
I stop now not because any epiphanies were found, but because it is midnight and I still have things to do before bed if there is any chance of all five of us arriving to school on time in the morning.
How does a mother have time for herself? Not like the occasional thirty minute solo trip to Target or rare outing with girlfriends, but real time for herself? Time to pursue interests? Time to have a life outside of mothering? Time to just sit and think?
I find myself stuck in getting-things-done mode lately. My life is centered around the kids and their activities. There is something on the calendar every. single. day. of our lives, most days there are multiple somethings. Ben is gone all of the time right now and I feel like I am just chasing my tail trying to get everyone where they need to be when they need to be there.
I keep skipping things I want to do because they don't fit in with the family's schedule. I have friends I haven't seen in a ridiculously long time. I would love to see them, but I'm busy and they're busy. We send longing texts and FB messages to one another about how long it's been and how much we miss one another and how we should get something on the calendar... and then we don't.
I keep saying no to things I want for myself. A friend texted last week and asked if I wanted to meet for dinner one night. It seemed too difficult to juggle everything to make it happen. I got an invitation to join a small group of women at my church. My immediate thought was, "How am I going to fit that in?" My book club email came today and I realized that I will have to miss a second time in a row because of family conflicts. There is a craft fair I contemplated joining, but then realized that I do not have time to prep for a craft fair. Some coworkers invited me to a Trivia Night and I couldn't go because Ben was out of town and our evening was full of kid activities.
It goes on and on for me, and I am sure for all mothers I know. (Not father- bashing in any way, but just writing from this point of view.)
The question, though, is- How do you keep your identity while mothering? How do you nurture other relationships outside of your immediate family? How do you make sure that your life is not so all about the kids all of the time that "you" get lost in the shuffle?
I've talked about my dislike of "busy" on here before. I am busy right now. Entirely too busy. The bad kind of busy, or at least the bad-for-Leslie-Hedenberg-kind of busy. I don't remember the last time I didn't feel behind on a mile long list of things to do. It is too rare of an occurrence that I do something just because I am interested in doing it, and it is far too common an occurrence that I feel guilt when I am not 100% on the go. If I sit down for a minute (say to write a complainey blog post about being busy...), I have these feelings of, "Man, I really should be switching the laundry.... and checking Katie's preschool bag.... and putting away the dishes in the dishwasher.... and returning Beth's email about Teacher Appreciation Committee.... and responding to that customer who wants the state of Montana painted on her sign.... and setting out clothes for tomorrow to help the morning run more smoothly since Luke has Bravos and I'll have three different drop offs.... and.... and.... and....."
My mind doesn't seem to have a shut off switch lately.
I am almost embarrassed to write this next paragraph. I have, in fact, deleted it and retyped it. I do not want to sound as if I am patting myself on the back. I share the compliment because of my reaction to it, not to share the compliment, if that makes sense.
A dear friend of mine told me recently that I just make it all look too easy and that if she didn't love me, she wouldn't like me. She meant it as a compliment, but it stuck with me as not-a-compliment. It's not too easy. It's not easy at all. If I am putting off some sort of fake appearance that it is, especially to one of my best friends, than that bothers me.
I do not complain much when it gets hard, though, because even if I feel overwhelmed with motherhood sometimes, I feel like I can't/shouldn't complain. I recognize that these years are temporary and that I will look back on them longingly. I know with certainty that this is true because I physically ache for the days when my babies were babies, despite the sleepless nights, the mental and physical exhaustion, and the drain of those years on my friendships and outside interests. Similarly, I know I will ache for these days of soccer practices and homework and rushing to get out the door in the morning and class party planning once they are gone. Life is wonderful right now and I feel ungrateful if I voice anything to the contrary.
I am enjoying the success of my small business. The orders are pouring in and it feels great to have created something I am proud of. I can't/shouldn't complain that the orders are taking up any time that would be free time for me.
I am enjoying teaching at the preschool. The students are completely adorable, I have great coworkers, and it is fun to get back to teaching in such a laid-back way. I can't/shouldn't complain that my life was much, much more organized (as was the house) before I took on this job that pays not very much.
I LOVE watching Gracie, Luke, Drew, and Katie pursue interests. I can't/shouldn't complain about the schedule. I can't/ shouldn't complain even if the schedule for each week includes before school choir, after school choir, weekly piano lessons for three, Chess Club, after school Honor Band, soccer games and practices for three, Boy Scouts for two, and Monday Night Youth Group on top of homework and chores.
I am so proud of Ben for this new promotion. Really, truly, I could not be happier for him. I can't/shouldn't complain about the travel involved with this promotion.
And so on.
I stop now not because any epiphanies were found, but because it is midnight and I still have things to do before bed if there is any chance of all five of us arriving to school on time in the morning.
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