{separation anxiety}
I am sure you have heard the general recommendation that teachers give to parents of young children having a hard time with being dropped off at school- "Just give a quick goodbye, promise to come back, and leave. He will be fine as soon as you are gone."
I have been given this advice before and have probably given it myself back when I worked with younger kids right out of college. I think it is wonderful advice for the majority of children. I think most children really do settle and get distracted and are fine within minutes of the parents' departure.
Drew is not one of those children. This general advice just doesn't hold true for him. He is so strong-willed and stubborn and sensitive that he will cry for an hour straight. I have had to return to school to get him on five different occasions over the past year and a half.
I guess sometimes the advice that you may give to other parents when you are the teacher is not the same as the advice that you yourself follow when you are the parent. And I think this is OK. I know my child better than anyone else ever could. I know what works and what doesn't.
After about a month of enjoying preschool and with no tears at drop off, we are once again struggling this week. As I mentioned in the previous post, Drew is going through a bit of a phase right now where he just wants to be wherever I am. I can't explain it. I don't know where it came from. I don't know why it has hit all of the sudden. It is not fun for either of us. I can only try to help him get through it and wait it out.
On Tuesday morning, he began crying about preschool the second he woke up. I kept trying to get him calm about it, but every time I had him soothed, he would remember again and get upset. I took him and he clung to me, just sobbing. His teacher invited Katie and me to join the class for Circle Time to help him ease back into it. He would only sit for Circle Time if he could hold my hand to make sure I wasn't leaving. His teacher and I tried to get him interested in playing once Circle Time ended, but he just kept tearfully saying, "I don't want to be here today! Don't leave me here!" Finally we left.
Fast forward to last night at bedtime. He started in again with protests. He then woke up at 3 AM to come to my bedroom and tell me that he didn't want to go to school anymore ever again. He cried on the way to school and cried harder once we reached the classroom door.
His teacher greeted us and was wonderfully patient and loving, though Drew refused to unbury his face from my leg. Finally, finally, we got him to stop sobbing and participate in Circle Time with my promise that I would stay outside the classroom and watch him through the window. I told him that I wouldn't leave and that he could see me if he needed to look up. He stayed, but kept checking over and over again to see if I was there.
As I was standing there, a teacher's assistant from another room came over and asked how he was doing because she had observed our rough drop off attempt on Tuesday. We chatted and she said, "Ya know, I think sometimes they just do it to manipulate and see what they can get away with." Moments later, she said, "He seems OK now, are you going to sneak off?"
Which really rubbed me the wrong way. Yes, Drew can be difficult, but this separation anxiety- whatever caused it- is real to him. He has been genuinely upset multiple times in the past few weeks and not always related to preschool. For example, he got really, really upset on the playground last week when he looked up and couldn't find me. For the rest of the time that we were at the park, he refused to leave my side. His feelings, as irrational as they may seem, are authentic and I don't feel like he is trying to manipulate me or win some sort of power struggle. Second, I would never sneak off or break a promise to him. How awful would it be to promise to stay in one place and then just sneak way while he wasn't looking?
Talking with her, though, I had a brief moment of self doubt, wondering if I was enabling this behavior. I feared that the teacher and director were both silently thinking, "OK... leave now....let us deal with this." Even so, there was no way I was going to break Drew's trust by going back on my promise that I would stay during Circle Time.
I waited it out a while until Drew had gotten himself calm and was ready to play with his friends a bit. I gave him a quick kiss and told him that I would be back to get him after Katie took her morning nap, but that if he needed me before then, Miss Kristen could call me. He thought about that for a moment, and then kissed me back.
On the way out, the director who had been nearby through the entire 53 minute drop off process, gave me a quick hug and said she had been through the same thing when her now seventh grader was two. She was so kind and understanding that I felt such gratitude and relief. That was almost two hours ago now and I have gotten two texts from his teacher in that time telling me that Drew is all smiles and enjoying his morning.
I feel sad that Drew is having such a hard time right now and baffled as to how to help him though it. I feel teary as I picture his sad little face this morning and happy that he is having a good time there now. I feel grateful to his teacher and the preschool director for the patience and love they showed us both and for letting us get through this phase gently.
Parenting can be so very hard sometimes.
I have been given this advice before and have probably given it myself back when I worked with younger kids right out of college. I think it is wonderful advice for the majority of children. I think most children really do settle and get distracted and are fine within minutes of the parents' departure.
Drew is not one of those children. This general advice just doesn't hold true for him. He is so strong-willed and stubborn and sensitive that he will cry for an hour straight. I have had to return to school to get him on five different occasions over the past year and a half.
I guess sometimes the advice that you may give to other parents when you are the teacher is not the same as the advice that you yourself follow when you are the parent. And I think this is OK. I know my child better than anyone else ever could. I know what works and what doesn't.
After about a month of enjoying preschool and with no tears at drop off, we are once again struggling this week. As I mentioned in the previous post, Drew is going through a bit of a phase right now where he just wants to be wherever I am. I can't explain it. I don't know where it came from. I don't know why it has hit all of the sudden. It is not fun for either of us. I can only try to help him get through it and wait it out.
On Tuesday morning, he began crying about preschool the second he woke up. I kept trying to get him calm about it, but every time I had him soothed, he would remember again and get upset. I took him and he clung to me, just sobbing. His teacher invited Katie and me to join the class for Circle Time to help him ease back into it. He would only sit for Circle Time if he could hold my hand to make sure I wasn't leaving. His teacher and I tried to get him interested in playing once Circle Time ended, but he just kept tearfully saying, "I don't want to be here today! Don't leave me here!" Finally we left.
Fast forward to last night at bedtime. He started in again with protests. He then woke up at 3 AM to come to my bedroom and tell me that he didn't want to go to school anymore ever again. He cried on the way to school and cried harder once we reached the classroom door.
His teacher greeted us and was wonderfully patient and loving, though Drew refused to unbury his face from my leg. Finally, finally, we got him to stop sobbing and participate in Circle Time with my promise that I would stay outside the classroom and watch him through the window. I told him that I wouldn't leave and that he could see me if he needed to look up. He stayed, but kept checking over and over again to see if I was there.
As I was standing there, a teacher's assistant from another room came over and asked how he was doing because she had observed our rough drop off attempt on Tuesday. We chatted and she said, "Ya know, I think sometimes they just do it to manipulate and see what they can get away with." Moments later, she said, "He seems OK now, are you going to sneak off?"
Which really rubbed me the wrong way. Yes, Drew can be difficult, but this separation anxiety- whatever caused it- is real to him. He has been genuinely upset multiple times in the past few weeks and not always related to preschool. For example, he got really, really upset on the playground last week when he looked up and couldn't find me. For the rest of the time that we were at the park, he refused to leave my side. His feelings, as irrational as they may seem, are authentic and I don't feel like he is trying to manipulate me or win some sort of power struggle. Second, I would never sneak off or break a promise to him. How awful would it be to promise to stay in one place and then just sneak way while he wasn't looking?
Talking with her, though, I had a brief moment of self doubt, wondering if I was enabling this behavior. I feared that the teacher and director were both silently thinking, "OK... leave now....let us deal with this." Even so, there was no way I was going to break Drew's trust by going back on my promise that I would stay during Circle Time.
I waited it out a while until Drew had gotten himself calm and was ready to play with his friends a bit. I gave him a quick kiss and told him that I would be back to get him after Katie took her morning nap, but that if he needed me before then, Miss Kristen could call me. He thought about that for a moment, and then kissed me back.
On the way out, the director who had been nearby through the entire 53 minute drop off process, gave me a quick hug and said she had been through the same thing when her now seventh grader was two. She was so kind and understanding that I felt such gratitude and relief. That was almost two hours ago now and I have gotten two texts from his teacher in that time telling me that Drew is all smiles and enjoying his morning.
I feel sad that Drew is having such a hard time right now and baffled as to how to help him though it. I feel teary as I picture his sad little face this morning and happy that he is having a good time there now. I feel grateful to his teacher and the preschool director for the patience and love they showed us both and for letting us get through this phase gently.
Parenting can be so very hard sometimes.
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