thoughts on me & parties

I must preface this post by saying- in case any of the guests in attendance this evening happen to read these words- that any feelings I share are not indicative of my feelings towards any individual guests, just my feelings about hosting a party as a whole. I am thankful to those friends who spent their Saturday night with us just as I have been thankful to friends who open up their homes to us when they throw parties. I write to reflect on why I am so physically and emotionally tired at midnight after hosting a party, but unable to sleep.

anywhoo....

I am realizing as I get older that I am not a party person. Parties are hard for me. I want to like to throw parties because Ben loves to throw a party, so about once a year I agree to a party because it feels like the right wifey thing to do. I mean, why shouldn't Ben get to host parties just because I don't like them, right? So we plan a party and I try to convince myself that this party will be simple and relaxed. But then each time the party happens, despite my best intentions, I do not enjoy it. I don't enjoy the prep. I don't relax during the party. The party ends and I feel like it was a flop. Every. single. time. When I am cleaning up after the last guest leaves, I think to myself that it will be a long time before we host another party. And then about a year later, the cycle begins again.

Here's the thing.... I want to be excited about parties. Filling a house with your friends is a good thing, no? In actuality, I stress about the guest list. If I don't invite this person, will I hurt her feelings? We should invite this couple, but they won't know anyone, so what if they don't have a good time? What if no one comes? How do we get the combination of people right? 

I want to be casual about the food, but preparing food for a group is about as much fun for me as going to the dentist. 

I want to be relaxed about getting the house ready, but I'm not. Today's prep was party prep on a whole new level as we were frantically finishing up major projects and removing tools and building materials from the house. We were, for example, installing and painting trim in the living room two hours before guests arrived tonight.

I want to enjoy my guests during the party, but instead I worry about hostess duties. I have been to many parties where the host performs these duties with ease; I feel like I just stumble around trying to stay on top of basic things like keeping ice water on the drink table.

When the last guest departed tonight, I wondered aloud to Ben if the party went well. I admitted that I didn't think it did. We had a lower attendance than anticipated. I didn't feel like all of the guests had a good time. We had multiple injuries during the party- a fall off a swing, some trampoline injuries, a cut finger, etc. We never got to start the outdoor movie we planned for the kids. I kept running inside to check on Drew who was NOT happy to be stuck in his room while there were friends in the yard and made sure to let me know every time I came to see him. Ben had two coworkers come by and I never had a chance to have a conversation with them.

(Backstory- Drew was sick all day and then about ninety minutes before the party was scheduled to start, he started to really feel queasy. He fell asleep on the couch in the midst of a lot of cleaning noise and house projects. I sent out a message to guest just to let them know that Drew wasn't feeling well; they were welcome to still come, but I wanted them to have the choice if they wanted to risk the exposure or not. About 2/3 of the guests still ended up coming. I kept Drew upstairs and we kept the party mostly outside. It was not ideal.)

Ben was, as he always is after a party, happy that the party was a success. To him, we had friends over, we drank beer, the kids ran around playing, and people had a good time. He's never bogged down by the overanalyzing that gets me. He always thinks it was a good mix of people and that the guests had a good time.

Ben and I have been throwing parties together since high school. I hope to have many, many more years of party hosting ahead of us. The struggle for me is to find a way to host a party that doesn't leave me feeling so worn out once the last guest leaves.