ambiguity

Since St. Louis began reopening last Monday, I've been struggling but having a hard time putting my feelings into words. Then I read something online written by a friend that perfectly expressed some of the thoughts I've been having.

To quote the post, "If I ever felt confident in my grasp of what is going on with this pandemic, all of that confidence is gone. I'm not sure what the rules are, not sure what the risks really are, not sure if we're at the beginning, middle or end of the Corona Virus' impact on real lives. It seems like staying home is still the safest option, which is increasingly difficult and confusing as counties and cities start opening back up. Everything I read makes me think we are not at a point where we should be opening up, but we're opening up."

I couldn't agree more. This week is getting to me because for the first time in a while, it feels again like we're not all on the same page- that we've returned to that confusing time in early March when this all began.

Some families I know are still isolating at home completely while others seem to be comfortable returning- some quickly- to pre-pandemic life. I am unsure where we fall, but I guess on the more cautious side of things. This next phase feels more ambiguous than our definitive stay at home order, and I'm realizing I have a hard time with ambiguity.

Today was especially tricky for me. Short of a handful of six- feet- apart porch visits, we've not seen friends at all for the past 68 days. (I just counted up the days to be able to type that and it made me pretty sad.) My four have been troopers about not seeing anyone. But today, after his fifth grade Zoom graduation ceremony, Drew was invited to join a group of boys to ride bikes together. My initial reaction was absolutely not. But then as I watched one after another of the parents on the text agree to the plan, I started to doubt myself. Seeing these other parents- parents who I consider good parents- think it was fine made me second guess my response. I ended up letting him go for a while, but basically being an anxious mess about it while he was gone.

Man do I not want to spend this summer second guessing every decision I make or feeling anxiety about any social invitation we choose to accept or decline.

I see posts on social media of friend families hanging out together and feel like we've been too strict, but then have conversations with other friends who tell me things like, "We haven't left our house since mid-March. We have groceries delivered and don't go anywhere." and wonder if we were too relaxed with our weekly trips to the store and weekend trips to get takeout. It's confusing.

I watch The Today Show and in the same segment that I learn that the world just experienced the highest number of new Covid cases in one day, I also learn that national parks are reopening in time for Memorial Day weekend travel and am given BBQ tips for family Memorial Day cookouts. Confusing.

My son has to enter the orthodontist's office alone, wearing a mask, have his temperature taken, and disinfect his mouth and hands before being seen, but my inbox is flooded with emails about clothing stores reopening. Confusing.

My teenagers have to show up, masked, at their assigned ten minute window to return their textbooks to high school, yet I'm constantly seeing groups of kids walking around our town hanging out. It's confusing.

It is frequently suggested that we will not physically be returning to school until a vaccine is developed, but I'm getting emails about my son's baseball team possibly beginning practices as early as June 1.

And surely since it was announced this week that St. Louis County summer camps and pools are expected to reopen next month, that must mean that letting the kids have friends over beginning next month should feel fine too, right? Right? No? Confusing.

I'm torn because I don't want to keep us all sheltered at home and isolated from others indefinitely, but I also feel in my gut that it is not time to leave our little bubble yet.